Things i wrote when i was heartbroken
I bought a meal the other day and the price was 129 NTD. Pretty expensive for my liking, but I was in the mood to reward myself for nothing. I scoured through my wallet for a while only to find a one-hundred-dollar bill, two 10 NTD coins, one 5 NTD coin, and three 1 NTD coins. Yep, I was 1 dollar short of my target. How disturbing. I know I had another one-hundred-dollar bill in my pocket, but I felt so reluctant to use it and see it turned into coins.
I really hate when that happens. The one-dollar coin is such a nuisance. I almost always get it as change every time I buy something. I seldom have the opportunity to use it, even though I always keep some of them in my pocket. Usually, when there are too many, I’ll empty the one-dollar coins out of my wallet and put them in a jar on my desk. Then things like this happen.
I guess a lot of things in my life work the same way, like holding on to someone and having to let them go. It’s neither that I don’t want them nor that I don’t need them. It’s that carrying them hurts when you know they’ll never add up and it gets heavier each time. So I empty them into a jar on my desk. Then a moment like this comes along, and I’m one short, reaching for something I already let go. Something I wish I could always keep in my pocket.
When I was searching for something integral to my life, you felt like the constant I’d been looking for. The only frequency that I ever resonated with.
So i’ll carry whatever i have left of you, whichever pieces of our memory i managed to pack into my ever-expanding heart, everywhere.
Hopefully, by the time I reach the end of this journey, you’ll be nothing more than a fraction of a memory, a decimal so small that I can finally round off.
You are like a silent letter to me.
Without it, the word can’t be right.
Without you, my world can’t be right.
But i need to leave it out of my speech,
and i need to let you go out of my reach.
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