Pandji Pragiwaksono, one of my role model in life once said “I kinda understand now, what growing up gives me. Perspective & understanding.”
I’ve been through hell. What I mean is I was surrounded by people who didn’t understand me, who always blamed me. I’ve been stuck in a house devoid of hopes for years. Where tomorrow is not promised. I know it sounds not too severe, but I kid you not, it was demoralizing. I had every reasons to lose faith in everything.
Many times in senior high school I thought about killing myself but then I read
The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.
–Albert Camus
well everyone that knows me already know that I’m a stubborn piece of shit. So yeah, until now I consider living as an act of rebellion. Though living is fun an all that, I still often feel out of place. I still feel like I’m missing something.
For years I’m always searching for the world where I belong. I’ve been searching for them in the new people I met, new organizations I joined, new experiences I had. And no, I didn’t find it, people come and go, organizations are full of bullshits and experiences quickly become thing of the past. Turns out, the world where I belong is not something I have to look for. It is something I have to create.
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
-Albert Camus
I am the warmth that I’ve been missing. I am the embodiment of my own dreams.
Nobody knows you better than yourself, but even you don’t understand yourself better than God. We are human, after all.
Now, I’ve reached a certain point in my life where I’m not at all bothered by everyone else’s pace of life. I really enjoy my current life where I don’t have to keep running for everything, I like the slow pace. I have a roof to sleep under and I have food to eat everyday, sure.. it’s not the utmost quality out there, but it is sufficient.
Now I understand Camus when he says, “One must imagine sisyphus happy.” Yeah, I could imagine that. because “There is scarcely any passion without struggle.”
One can only assume what others are feeling. I’ve been in a lot of situation where I think “Damn, if another person were to be in my shoes now, They gonna cry.” but me? No, I do not endure those situations, I love those situations. Sometimes I take pride in that. I can say that I have a high (mental) pain tolerance. Simply because I’m used to having a mild expectation of what to come. Also I’ve been trained to face many unpleasant situations. The high is not too high and the low is not too low. I like to keep things that way. It has its downsides, but we choose what we like the most and live with the consequences am I right?
This newly found perspective of my relationship with myself generates a new perspective for my relationship with others.
I always believe there is good in people as much as I believe there is bad in them. I think of human as an interesting creature. You don’t know what to expect from them, and that’s what I love and hate about them. They always keep me on my toes.
Mereka tak sempurnaSama juga halnya denganmuJangan risaukan celamu
When I think of other people, I like to think that they’re as flawed as I am. It creates a soothing realization that I don’t have to feel inferior and also gives me more understanding about their behavior. If they do something wrong, well it’s because they’re human, just like me.
Mungkin mereka bulanTapi ingat kau matahariCahaya mereka darimu
-Lagu untuk matahari, Tulus
Do you know how seeing works? Seeing is perceiving, because our eyes really just translates the light reflection patterns into images. So if other people’s light comes from me, it means I can freely paint the light around them as what I want to perceive them in my eyes. It’s not other people’s job to dictate my feelings, I own up to every bits of feelings that I have.
I always ask to myself “To what extent do I have the rights to keep blaming people after they hurt me?” I’m not saying that people don’t have to be responsible for their actions cause THEY HAVE TO! It’s just.. if you wait for people to change.. to apologize.. to cry and beg for your forgiveness in order to find your inner peace.. well suffice to say, you may not have it in this life. Why? Because people only change when they want to change, and it really is just a waiting game. Our lifespan is too short for that kind of waiting you know.
Though I must say, their apologies mean something, it has some values, but it is not everything. I can say this because I have experienced it, people who did me wrong finally apologize and acknowledge their wrongdoings. But the feeling I got wasn’t like a feeling of victory, to finally say this is it, this is the end, no! To be honest, I felt nothing.
I continue to live my life still trying to undo the damages. At the end of the day, we have to do the work all by ourselves.
Hatred will only eat you up from the inside
There’s one interesting conversation I had with my long time bestfriend. We’ve been friends since junior high, we already went through thick and thin together. She found this quote on tiktok sound
“We were girls together. Anyone that has loved me, loved us.”
I totally agree, I am really just a museum of people that I know. I’m only as good as I am now because of the good people that have crossed my path. “You are the average of 5 people you hang out with the most,” and yes, my best qualities, I got them all from my friends. I think it happens because I pray for it. One of the prayer that I always include after salat is “Mohon pertemukanlah aku dengan orang-orang yang dapat membuatku menjadi lebih baik lagi” and I believe that all my prayers are gonna be answered. So I like to believe that every person that I meet will make me better. But the way they do it? Well to be fair I don’t know.. I just wait for things to unfold, that’s the beauty of it.
And that is how prayers and beliefs give me comfort, to know that everything happens for a reason. I’ll touch on this more in other writing.
I’m now only 21 years and 10 months old. There are still a lot of new perspectives and new understandings that I have to learn in this life. I am excited and scared at the same time for it but I hope the future holds something great for me.
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